Harry Potter and the Painful Patronus
by Lavengro
Summary: An unfortunate (and painful) incident while practicing the patronus charm leads Harry to stumble on a long-kept Hogwarts secret.
1. 1: A Little Practice

**Harry Potter and the Painful Patronus**

Chapter One: A Little Practice

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

As expected, Harry sent the boggart back into the wooden chest from which it had emerged only moments before in the guise of a Dementor. Even Lupin had to agree that Harry's skill at casting the patronus charm had exceeded his own recently.

"Well that's enough for today!" Lupin said. "In fact, I don't really see any point in us practicing this anymore. You've nailed it."

"Oh come on," Harry pleaded, "just one more time! I'm sure I can improve."

"Yeah, come on," cried out Ron, who was sitting nearby with Hermione, watching Harry's weekly practice session. "Let him do one more!" Ron loved these sessions. Hermione, on the other hand, felt that the three boys—Harry, Ron, and Lupin—were not taking these matters as seriously as they deserved.

"It's not a game!" she scolded, but nobody listened. Ever since the threat of the Dementors had diminished for the time being, these sessions had become more of a form of escape for Harry and Ron. Lupin too, who was no longer welcome to teach at Hogwarts, found them a welcome distraction.

"Alright," said Lupin. "One more. But this time, really let it have it!"

Harry grinned and gripped his wand in anticipation. Lupin stepped forward and raised the lid of the chest. For a moment nothing happened, then not one but a whole host of Dementors rose menacingly above Harry. He raised his wand, pointed it at the black figures and cried out.

"EXPECTO PATROGUM!"

There was a strange fizzing noise, like a sparkler, then a loud bang, as though an aerosol can had exploded. The Dementors, however, were still hovering. They began to move towards Harry who was now confused and terrified and fumbling his wand.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" cried Lupin, sending the creatures back into the box and sliding the bolt shut. He was as white as

Harry. He looked at him intently: "Did you say… patro-GUM?"

"Errr… I guess so," Harry stammered. He wasn't sure why he felt so rattled, or why Lupin was so concerned for that matter. After all, nothing bad had happened. He expected that the loud bang was just some nearby glass beaker that exploded due to the fact that he made a pig's breakfast of the patronus charm. But upon looking about he couldn't see anything broken. Then, he turned to Ron and Hermione. The latter was shaking and staring at Ron who was clutching his groin… or what was left of it. The full gravity of the situation dawned on him.

Harry's spell had caused Ron's penis to explode.

Next: Chapter 2 - It runs in the family.


	2. 2: It Runs in the Family

**Harry Potter and the Painful Patronus**

Chapter 2: It runs in the family.

Harry, Hermione, Lupin, and the now slightly diminished Ron, arrived at the Hospital wing. Harry and Lupin were carrying Ron, and the latter was pale from loss of blood.

"You bastard…," Ron whimpered. "I'll get you for this you four eyed twat…"

Harry felt awful. Causing Ron's penis to explode… What would Dumbledore have to say about this? He'd be expelled for sure this time. Perhaps Madam Pomfrey could just give him a pill or something… and by tomorrow Ron's penis would have grown back. "Yes," Harry thought to himself, "I'm sure everything will be fine in the morning."

But everything wasn't fine the next morning. Madame Pomfrey had given Ron the unfortunate news that there was currently no known cure for an exploded penis.

"And don't think I haven't tried to find one!" she said.

"You have?" said Lupin, looking surprised. "Get a lot of explosions in the groinal area at Hogwarts do you?"

Madam Pomfrey gave him a knowing look and, after a long pause, replied: "You'd be surprised."

With that, she went off to attend to her other patients. Ron fell asleep on account of something he had been given to drink in order to dull the pain. Hermione sat glumly on a chair next to his bed, contemplating a future without him. Or at least without his penis. Not that she'd really thought about it. The future, that is… not his penis. She screwed up her face, determined to get Ron's penis out of her mind, since it would remain forever out of her…

"Oh stop it at once Hermione Granger. It's only a penis!" she admonished herself, out loud.

The other two stared blankly at her. "Uh… huh" said Lupin, keen to avoid finding out just what Hermione was going on about.

"Professor Lupin, surely there is something we can do for him!" Harry said, almost in tears.

"I'm afraid not Harry. Ron will have to get used to life without the old johnson. But don't be too hard on yourself. After all, it could have been worse."

"Worse?," Harry exclaimed. "I caused my best friend's penis to explode!"—at this, several of the other patients glanced towards Harry with raised eyebrows—"How could it possibly be worse?!"

"Settle down Potter," said Madam Pomfrey, returning from her rounds. "You would think you are the first person to botch a patronus charm and cause a ginger's penis to explod."

"Err… I'm not?"

She gave him a kindly look. "Let's just say that the Weasley's needed a little… err… help from the department of magical fertility in order to achieve that brood of carrot tops." Adding under her breath: "Like the world needs any more of them for crying out loud…"

Harry was baffled. "Are you trying to tell me that Mr. Weasley… that Ron's dad…umm…. you know… that he hasn't got… err…." Harry glanced sideways to check Ron was still asleep. Hermione was listening intently.

"Yes, that's right." said Madam Pomfrey in a casual tone. "Ron's father's penis also exploded."

"Arthur Weasley?!" Lupin interrupted in a tone that suggested that he was having a hard time believing this news. "Are you quite sure? I mean, he's got quite a reputation with the ladies..."

"I am sure," she replied. "That reputation was earned some time back, and it was the reason that he had his… accident. I should know. I was the one who made his penis explode."

"Golly," said Harry. Even though they wanted to know what Mr. Weasley had done to deserve his penis exploding, Lupin and Hermione were speechless. The topic of exploding penises has that effect sometimes.

Just then they heard a noise from the corridor. A moment later, Professor Albus Dumbledore strode into the hospital ward with a concerned look on his face.

"Professor Dumbledore!" Harry cried out, half relieved, half scared of what the head of Hogwarts might do when he found out he had made Ron's penis explode. "It's Ron… his… that is to say… I didn't mean to hurt him… I… I… I made Ron's pe…"

"Penis explode?" interrupted Dumbledore. "Yes, I know. I always knew this might happen."

"Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on!?" Lupin demanded. "Since when do penises explode around here? I've never heard of it happening before."

Dumbledore raised his hand to cut him off: "You all deserve an explanation. But not here; the sound of an exploding penis draws all sorts of unwanted attention. Meet me in an hour's time in my office. Meanwhile, tell no one what has taken place. This sort of thing is liable to cause a panic."

With that, he strode out of the ward, leaving the others in stunned silence, with the exception of Ron, who was mumbling in his sleep: "I'll get you for this you bastard… I'll teach you to make my penis explode you twat…"

"No Ron" replied Harry, even though he knew his friend was really asleep. "You already _did_ teach me to make your penis explode." At these powerful words, Lupin lowered eyes to the floor, and Hermione began to sob softly.

Next time: The real reason Hagrid was expelled.


	3. 3: The Real Reason Hagrid Was Expelled

**Harry Potter and the Painful Patronus**

Chapter 3: The Real Reason Hagrid Was Expelled Part I.

"Ron… Ron! Wake up lad!"

Ron stirred from his sleep at the sound of the gruff voice. For a moment he thought all that happened to him was a dream and that he was in his own bed, safe and sound. Then it dawned on him: it was no dream. His penis _had_ exploded.

The voice started again: "Ron! Quit yer sobbin' and get dressed!" It was Hagrid.

"Hagrid! That bastard Harry... he...he maimed me!"

"I know what he did lad," Hagrid said gently before a look of seriousness came over him. "Don't worry, he'll get his…. oh yes, Potter will get what's coming to him alright…"

Ron was surprised. He'd always thought Hagrid was fond of Harry. But now, given the look on his large bearded face and the tone of his voice, it didn't seem that way at all.

On the far side of the ward, Madam Pomfrey was distracted by another patient, Neville Longbottom, who was explaining to her how he had managed to get his pet toad Trevor stuck in his rectum for the third time this month.

"He crawls in there while I'm asleep… I swear he does!"

"Oh shut up and bend over you little feggler," Madam Pomfrey snapped as she pulled on a rubber glove. "It's a pity it wasn't _your_ penis which exploded." As she began the delicate procedure of extracting the toad from Neville, she glanced over to see how Ron was doing, only to see him dressed and leaving the ward in the company of Hagrid. "That's funny," she said to herself, wondering where they were off to. But Neville squirmed and began moaning loudly, forcing her attention back to him and his arse. "If you don't want me to write a letter to your grandmother telling her all about this, you'll shut your bleeding mouth Longbottom!" The threat worked, and Neville didn't utter another word. (At least until he was back, toad in arse, the following week.)

Ron and Hagrid arrived at the latter's hut soon afterwards. Ron was still trying to get used to the odd sensation of walking around without a penis, but he was glad to be out of the hospital. Once inside the hut he sat at the table and waited while Hagrid served him tea and scones.

"Umm... Hagrid, why are we here?" Ron asked.

"I'm guessin' you'll be wanting to take revenge on your friend Potter eh?" Hagrid aksed. "Yeah, yer face says it all. Well don't you worry. I'm going to help you do just that. Perhaps then Dumbledore will forgive me for me own past sins."

"Sins? What sins are they Hagrid?"

"Well, don't you be telling the others, but there is more to that business between Harry and, err... _you know who_ than folks be knowing."

Ron was not expecting that. He couldn't for the life of him see what Harry and Voldemort's past could have to do with his dick-less condition.

"Yer see," Hagrid continued in a hushed tone, "when Voldemort killed Potter's parents, he wasn't simply acting out of wickedness like the ministry says. He was on a mission of revenge!"

"Revenge? Against the Harry's parents? What on earth did they do to... you know who?" asked Ron.

Hagrid hesitated for a moment, a look of profound sadness in his eyes. "The worst thing anyone can do to a man. Have yer noticed that _you know who_ looks a bit like a walking, talking…err…"

"Penis?" Ron suggested helpfully.

"Yeah, that's it. I mean, look 'im. A spitting image of one I saw once in Hogsmeade while I was... err... well never mind about that. The point is, he's chosen to look like that in order to compensate for the fact that Harry's father, complete wanker that he was, was no better at the patronus charm than his desmond of a son!"

Ron was flabbergasted. "You mean to tell me that Harry's father made you know who's...you know… his thing…explode?"

"Right you are lad. Went off like a firecracker. BANG!"

"Crikey" said Ron. "Err… but Hagrid, why are you telling me this? If you know who killed Harry's parents for making his penis explode - and I'm not blaming him if he did - what does that have to do with you?"

Hagrid shuddered and looked away suddenly, tears welling in his eyes. He wiped them away, smiled at Ron, and said: "Because I was there that night. But if I'm going to tell you about that, I'll need something stronger than tea."

Next time: Hagrid continues his story...


	4. 4: Hagrid Continues His Tale

**Harry Potter and the Painful Patronus**

Chapter 4: Hagrid's Story Part II

"Hurry up and tell us what happened the night Harry's parents died!" said an impatient Ron to Hagrid who was wiping a white powdery substance from his nose.

"Oh right, where was I then? Ah, I remember. Well I have to first explain why I was expelled from Hogwarts" said Hagrid.

"Huh? I thought you were expelled because of that Tom Riddle business? Large spider and all that nonsense?"

"Yeah, that's what Dumbledore tells everyone," responded Hagrid, "but the real reason is because some of the teachers found out that I was moonlighting down at Hogsmeade as an ecdysiast."

There was a long pause. Then Ron asked: "A what?"

"An ecdysiast."

"What the flamin' heck is an _eck dizzy yest_?"

"Eh?" said Hagrid, raising his eyebrows quizzically, "you mean to tell me you've never seen a show by an ecdysiast? Finest art-form there is! And I'm a master of it. Just ask any of the patrons down at the Hog's Head Inn!"

"Well…err…whatever," Ron said, thinking it best to move the story along. "In any case you were expelled for being an ec….ecdys…."

"Ecdysiast" Hagrid said in a proud voice.

"Yeah… right." Ron decided he would look into this ecdysiast business at a later date, but for now he wanted to get back to the story and urged Hagrid to continue.

"Well after I was caught moonlighting, the teachers told Dumbledore they would never let me in their classrooms for fear I would corrupt the other students. Pretty hypocritical if you ask me… I'd seen most of the professors at my shows at one time or other. Anyway, Dumbledore finally relented and gave me the boot. But he got me a job as a gamekeeper as compensation, and because he knew that my night job at Hogsmeade would allow me to pick up on certain gossip which he wanted to know… _and_ because me working at Hogwarts would give him an excuse to associate with me, against the wishes of the other staff."

"What sort of gossip was he after?" asked Ron.

"He wanted to know if I had come across or heard of anyone whose…er…. well, anyone who was in a condition like yerself."

Ron blinked. "You mean, with an exploded penis?!"

"That's right lad". Then, leaning closer, Hagrid whispered: "And a good many of you there are too!"

"What?!" Ron had been fairly sure that he was the unluckiest wizard in the whole world. After all, who had heard of a wizard whose penis exploded? But now it seemed that there were many fellow victims. Somewhat comforted by this thought, he turned back to Hagrid and said: "But what's all this got to do with Potter's parents?"

"Well, I can't tell you everything, since I've been sworn to secrecy. But what I can tell you is that I was there the night Voldemort confronted the Potters on account of James exploding his penis. As you know already, Voldemort dispatched of James Potter. Good riddance to the filthy feggler too. _He_ also tried to be an ecdysiast, but he never had the knack, or the body, for it..." Hagrid left off, staring into the distance, lost in memories.

"Err…right," muttered Ron. He noticed that Hagrid was now using Voldemort's name, rather than saying " _you know who_ " as usual.

"Anyway, after James was taken care of, Voldemort went after that dopey cow Lily. God she was an irritating saucebox of a woman, a right bint! But before Voldemort could kill her, she cast the expecto patrogum curse on him."

"Wait!" interrupted Ron. "You said James Potter had already made Voldemort's penis explode! How could she use the curse again?!"

Hagrid gave a pained look, and said: "The curse ricocheted off Voldemort, because it couldn't find a knob to blow up, and landed on the nearest person with the appropriate endowment."

"Oh God…" Ron said.

"Yeah, that's right" Hagrid said gravely. "Me old feller exploded."

Next Chapter: Harry has an uncomfortable encounter with Dumbledore.


End file.
